‘I Think My Mom is Toxic’: 15 Signs You’re Right
Let’s face it, your mom can be annoying. She might have a bad habit of calling too frequently. She might complain about her uneven haircut from time-to-time. Or she just gets on your nerves.
As a therapist, I have seen countless clients with mommy issues. But your mom’s toxic traits are deeper than the occasional annoyance.
If you’re thinking, “My mom is toxic” then you know her behavior is hurtful and leaves lasting effects on your mind and body.
What is a Toxic Person?
The word “toxic” has become a bit of a buzzword lately, so let’s first discuss what a toxic person is.
A toxic person is someone that behaves in way that makes you feel upset, distressed, or generally negative. After spending time with a toxic person, you feel insecure, unsupported, and emotionally drained.
You may encounter friends that have toxic characteristics or toxic work environments (ehmm, The Great Resignation of 2021). But we’re here to talk about your toxic mom.
15 Signs of a Toxic Mom
Your toxic mom might have one of the these red flags or she might have all 15. Either way, you need to recognize your mom’s toxic traits before you can understand the impact and learn how to heal (which, of course, we’ll get to 👇🏼).
1. She’s manipulative
A toxic mom is a professional manipulator. She will say things to change your thoughts, feelings, or behaviors in order to benefit herself.
A common way your mom manipulates you is through gaslighting. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse.
When your mom gaslights you, you feel crazy – questioning your own thoughts and experiences. You start feeling insecure, disappointed, or confused.
Your mom should be the one person you can unconditionally trust. So if she manipulates or gaslights you, it can feel crushing.
2. She puts you down or criticizes you
Do you feel judged by your mom? This is a classic toxic mom trait.
She has a comment for everything. And that comment is always negative. Your mom might criticize you or mock your outfit, your job, your relationships, or anything else for that matter.
When your mom constantly puts you down, it feels like you can’t do anything right. The negativity is overbearing and exhausts you.
3. She plays the victim
Your mom is likely toxic if she continually plays the role of a victim. She might have the attitude of the world is always out to get her. And she rarely takes responsibility for the way her actions contribute to her reality.
Playing the victim is another way your toxic mom can manipulate you. If this is your toxic mom’s favorite game, don’t play. It’s a losing battle anyway.
4. She disregards boundaries
A toxic mom will completely ignore boundaries. She might come over unexpectedly, share things you told her in confidence, or tell you inappropriate stories about her friends or family members.
When she disregards your boundaries, she lacks a basic principle – respect. And that’s not something that should be taken lightly.
5. She seeks validation inappropriately
A commonly looked over trait of a toxic mom is that she seeks validation inappropriately. Meaning, she turns to you to for ill-suited emotional support.
Examples of this are expecting you to make her feel beautiful, important, or worthy.
Contrary to how she makes you feel, you are not responsible for your mom’s emotions. It’s not your job to validate her.
6. She’s immature
An immature mom is unable to cope with her emotions in a healthy way.
Let me ask you this: Have you ever felt like you were the parent in your mother-child relationship?
The term we use for this in therapy is: Parentification. Parentification occurs when a child takes on the role of caring for a parent. This often coincides with a mom having mental health issues and/or substance use concerns.
Parentification, or having an immature mom, is undoubtably a sign of toxicity.
7. She lives vicariously through you
When your toxic mom is unsatisfied with her life, she lives vicariously through you (in all the wrong ways).
It puts a lot of pressure on you to be “living your best life” – or at least the life she wants you to live. And if you’re not, you board the guilt and disappointment train.
The problem with your mom living vicariously through you is, your needs and feelings are being completely ignored. It’s important that you have the opportunity to be your own person and individuate.
8. She’s hard to confront
It’s really hard to confront toxic mothers. Intentional or not, your mom has made it really difficult to approach her about any of her downfalls.
You might feel anxious just thinking about talking to your mom.
You’ve probably tried approaching her about her lack of boundaries or unreasonable demands she places on you. And every time you’ve attempted to have the conversation, you leave feeling iniquitous or inadequate.
After attempting (and failing) to have a candid conversation, you eventually start to get defensive. And it perpetuates an unhealthy cycle.
9. She gives you the silent treatment
If your mom gives you the silent treatment, she’s toxic. It’s a passive-aggressive way to make you feel guilty for upsetting her. And she hopes you grovel and apologize.
Giving you the silent treatment makes her feel in control. It proves to be challenging, but try not to give in under the pervasive pressure.
10. She’s codependent
Codependency has multiple meanings. So, first let’s clarify what a codependent mother is.
A codependent mother is incapable of fulfilling her own emotional needs, relies on you to fill the void, and doesn’t see a problem with this enmeshment.
Your codependent mom has an unhealthy attachment to you. She is borderline obsessed with your life and only gains a sense or purpose through you. Leaving you to feel stifled or suffocated.
11. She humiliates you in public
Before the digital age, toxic moms humiliated their children at parties or other social gatherings. But now, public humiliation often happens on social media, too.
Not only does the humiliation wreak havoc on your ability to trust, it makes you feel embarrassed your ashamed.
12. She has unreasonable demands
Another toxic mom trait is having unreasonable demands. She might expect that you have dinner together every Monday or require your attendance at church on Sunday morning.
If you don’t abide by her unreasonable demands, you’ll pay the piper. But you’re a grown adult, and your time is your own, not hers. It’s not up to your toxic mom how you spend your time.
13. She minimizes your accomplishments
Have you ever been so proud of something, you can’t wipe the smile off your face? And then your mom comes in and bursts your bubble.
Toxic moms often minimize your accomplishments. It’s a twisted way to make you feel inferior.
And it’s probably less about what she says and more about how she says it. She has that tone about her. It could even be her body language – turning away from you, barely acknowledging your presence.
No matter how she minimizes your accomplishments, it’s hurtful and snide.
14. She lacks empathy
You might be thinking, “My mom is toxic” if she lacks empathy. That is, she has a blatant disregard for how you feel.
You tell your mom about frustrations at work, and she diminishes your experience. Or you explain a recent circumstance that made you sad, and she belittles or ignores your sorrow.
The thing is, empathy is a cornerstone of human connection. Without empathy, it’s very hard to build, keep, or restore important relationships.
15. She’s abusive
Physical, emotional, or sexual abuse are all crippling in their own right. None is worse than the other, but all are bad, especially when put forth by your mom.
If you are experiencing any type of abuse from your mom, seek professional help immediately.
Effects of Having a Toxic Mom
There are many consequences of having a toxic mom. These consequences range from mild to debilitating.
Having a toxic mom can lead to low self-esteem, learning difficulties, or being withdrawn and socially uncomfortable.
A common result of having a toxic mom is experiencing mental health disorders like generalized anxiety, depression, posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), and others.
The effects of a toxic mom go beyond the emotional and mental threshold. Having a toxic mom can effect you physically, too.
The CDC states, “If children are repeatedly exposed to adversities like abuse and neglect and unstable relationships or environments, they may experience toxic stress.”
Toxic stress from adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) can show up in a variety of ways including risk of injury, pregnancy complications, diabetes, heart disease, and even cancer.
Find the adverse childhood experiences screener tool on my resource page, here.
Should You Stop Talking to Your Toxic Mom?
All of this information can be disheartening and leave you wondering: Is it even worth continuing a relationship with my mom?
Unfortunately, there’s no easy way to answer that. It’s an incredibly unique and individualized decision.
It’s difficult to change your relationship with a toxic mom. It might even feel “easier” to just cut ties and be done. But ask yourself: “Does easier mean better?”
Your answer will take introspection, deliberation, and time. It’s not something you’ll likely conclude overnight.
I recommend seeking professional help from a licensed therapist for additional help and resources.
Healing from Being Raised by a Toxic Mom
The good new is, you are so very capable of healing after being raised by a toxic mother. Here are a few starting points for healing:
Be open to changing the dynamic
The tricky thing about a toxic relationship is, even though logically you know it’s hurting you, you still get accustomed to how the dynamic is set up.
When you start confronting or pushing back on your mom’s toxic traits, the relationship is inevitably going to change.
It’s likely, you’ll grieve the relationship you once had. Let those emotions come and go.
Approach with curiosity
The truth is, if your mom has toxic traits, her mom probably did, too.
One of the best ways you can heal the relationship with your mom is by approaching her with curiosity.
Ask her about childhood experiences. What was her mom like? What kind of household did she grow up in?
When you approach with curiosity, you leave judgment and blame at the door. And instead, invite growth and change into the conversation.
Show compassion
She may or may not recognize the ways in which she poisons your relationship, so tread lightly. If you don’t want to completely blow up the relationship between you and your mom, show her compassion.
And let’s be real, you’re not going to handle the confrontation perfectly, either. You’re new to this, too. So show yourself compassion as you move through this difficult (and necessary) process.
Learn about emotional intelligence
Emotional intelligence (EQ) is a beautiful thing. Psychology Today says:
“The emotionally intelligent are highly conscious of their own emotional states, even negative ones—from frustration or sadness to something more subtle. They are able to identify and understand what they are feeling, and being able to name an emotion helps manage that emotion.”
PsychologyToday
As you heal, learn about how you move through the world. What are you bringing to the equation? How does it impact you and those around you?
Start answering those questions for yourself, and you’ll be unstoppable.
How to Break the Toxic Mom Cycle
You might choose to overlook some of the toxic personality traits of your mother until it’s time for you to become one.
So much of you doesn’t want to traumatize your child. It becomes seemingly imminent that you learn how to break the toxic cycle that has been passed down through the generations of your family.
The good news is, even if you have experienced life with a toxic mother, you can break the cycle and give your children positive childhood experiences.
Some ways you can instill positive childhood experiences:
- Attune to their needs
- Be present
- Listen to them
- Be compassionate and empathize with them
- Be open to feedback
The Wrap Up: I Think My Mom is Toxic
Being a part of a relationship with a toxic mom is grueling. It keeps you small and stifles your true potential.
Fortunately, there are so many healthy ways to break free from the destructive cycle. Becoming aware of the toxicity, putting in the work to combat it, and taking it all day-by-day gives you the opportunity to grow into who you are meant to be.
Read next: 25 Qualities of a Good Mother
If you’re dealing with a toxic mom, you need a healthy way to cope – or 99 healthy ways to cope. I Got 99 Coping Skills and Being a B*tch Ain’t One was written for you.
You’ll gain awareness of how your mom has impacted you, and more importantly how to heal your mind and soul. Get your copy here!