Gender Disappointment: A Mom’s Perspective (2023)
We opted out of gender reveal parties for both of our babies, and I’ll explain why.
I’m not totally against gender reveals; if you want to celebrate your baby’s penis or vagina, go for it. (And while we are here – let’s just throw in the small fact that gender reveals are, in fact, sex-of-the-baby reveals.) But I’ll step off my soapbox, and get back to the point.
The main reason we chose to not do a gender reveal publicly is because of my desire to have girls. I knew if/when I found out I was going to have a boy, I’d need time to process before I could celebrate. That may seem silly, superficial, or even downright ignorant. But it’s the truth.
So when I found out our second baby is going to be a boy, I felt sheer and utter disappointment.
You might be here reading this because you, too, have felt disappointment when learning your child’s genitalia. You might be reading this out of curiosity. Or you might be reading this and feel shocked because, like me, you’ve never heard another mom say they were initially disappointed in finding out the sex of their baby.
Regardless of why you’re here, I’m telling you that gender reveal disappointment is a real thing and to, hopefully, take away some of the shame and guilt around the matter.
Here’s the Story:
My husband and I decided to do the noninvasive prenatal testing (NIPT) for both of my pregnancies. This means, we were able to learn the sex of our baby through the online portal when I was about 12 weeks along.
Early on a Friday morning, I received an email notifying me the results were in. I quickly opened the portal to reveal a note saying: “Predicated Fetal Sex: Male”
I audibly said to myself, “Oh, no.”
Luckily, I knew I wasn’t going to feel this disappointment forever. I also knew I needed to let myself feel my feelings without judgment (easier said than done, I might add).
How to Cope:
These are 4 ways I coped with my extreme gender disappointment:
1. Called a friend
First, I called the friend who wasn’t going to judge or belittle my feelings of disappointment.
I called the friend that is capable of listening, offering validation, and always making me feel safe and heard.
I called the friend I could trust.
Between tears, I would say, “I know I should just be happy that I am pregnant, but I can’t help but feel bummed” She would respond with, “Yes, you get to be pregnant AND you are allowed to feel sad about the life you imagined as a mom of two girls.” After our chat, I started to feel a smidge better. And then I cried some more.
2. Researched
Next, I researched. Never have I ever heard a mom say that she was disappointed in learning the sex of her baby. Was I the only mom that has ever felt this way? Has every other mom on the planet been content by discovering the news? I had to find out.
To Google I went. I typed “Gender Reveal Disappointment” and what I saw was shocking. “Disappointed Dad…” “Dad Upset…” and “Dad Caught on Viral Video of Being Disappointed.”
There was very little on mom’s being sad about the sex of her baby. Finally, one Healthline article did state that gender reveal disappointment is a valid emotional hurdle.
After reading through more material, I concluded I am not the only mom that has been bummed upon learning the sex of her baby.
I also concluded that mom’s are expected to be happy simply because the baby is healthy. This leaves little room for women to openly and vulnerably discuss their feelings. Clearly, we have more work to do.
3. Processed
So I processed. I needed to take time to reflect on my disappointment. I asked myself: Why do I feel disappointed? The answer finally came to me: Fear. I am fearful of raising a son.
In Glennon Doyle’s book, Untamed, she writes an entire chapter titled “Boys.”
She writes, “Being an American boy is a setup. We train our boys to believe that the way to become a man is to objectify and conquer women, value wealth and power above all, and suppress any emotions other than competitiveness and rage. Then we are stunned when our boys become exactly what we have trained them to be.”
This. Oh my God, this. This is one of my greatest fears. Boys are expected to work hard and play harder. They should suppress “soft” emotions and be sure to show their assertiveness. We shrug our shoulders and say, “boys will be boys” while allowing them to fall short of being thoughtful, nurturing, and tender.
I fear that I, too, will allow my son to fall into this twisted construct of masculinity.
I have long said, “My goal for Kinsley [my daughter] is not to feel happy; my goal for her is to feel.” I want her to experience the emotional rage from sadness to elation. I want her to feel awe and admiration, content and confused. I want her to feel deeply and wholly and bravely.
Now, I want this for my son, too.
I don’t want him to be ashamed to cry. I don’t want him to be embarrassed to love. I want him to know that respect starts with himself and carries over to the people around him.
I want him to see that being a man is about being true to his character, kind to others, and wholly himself. It’s about being considerate, courteous, and empathetic.
Glennon finishes with, “Our boys are born with great potential for nurturing, caring, loving, and serving. Let’s stop training it out of them.” Glennon is right.
4. Shifted (shifting) my mindset.
Last, I am shifting my mindset. The truth is, I’m a part of the problem. I have preconceived ideas about what it means to raise a boy.
In order to be the best mama to this little lad, I have to start recognizing and adjusting my biases. I also know that this will take time. Luckily, I have 6 months to deconstruct some of my beliefs.
Now, I get to feel excitement for the unknown, satisfaction in getting to complete our family, and pride in how we choose to raise our children.
I am happy to report, after two days of sulking, I turned my frown upside down.
I get to be a mom of two. I get to have a girl AND a boy. I get to be excited about our new adventure, and we all get to do a little better for our boys.
To my son, I love you so much.