15 Easy Ways to Start Rediscovering Yourself After Motherhood
My first baby was almost 5-months-old. I was waiting for the homemade jam to cool, nursing my daughter, and vacuuming all at the same time. (Yes, I was doing these things simultaneously.)
I pushed the vacuum passed our full-length mirror and caught a glimpse of a stranger. “Who is this woman?” I thought. “Because she sure isn’t me.”
I am not alone in these thoughts.
Many moms completely lose themselves in motherhood. And even though it’s in pursuit of being a good mom, it’s not fair to you, your children, or your family.
Is It Normal to Lose Your Identity After Having a Baby?
Yes, it is very common to feel like you have lost your identity after the baby comes.
As a mom, we go through massive, indescribable transition. Here are some things that happen after baby comes:
- Your hormones change
- Your body changes
- Your brain changes
- Your relationships change
- Your responsibilities shift overnight
- Your in a huge life transition (with no manual on how to navigate the transition)
- You lose most of the control over your life
- You are completely depended upon
- You feel isolated and alone
Those are all HUGE changes to your brain, body, and life – and they’re all happening at once. It’s no wonder, we lose our identity after having a baby.
Why Do You Need to Rediscover Yourself After Motherhood?
There are two main reasons it’s time to start rediscovering yourself after motherhood:
- Be an example for your kids
- Your dreams, aspirations, and goals matter
Be an example for your kids
This shouldn’t be about your kids. Buuut we both know that we are far more likely to do things for our kids than we are for ourselves.
Show your babies what it looks like to pursue dreams.
When you are completely lost among the piles of mounding laundry, the never-ending dishes, and endless demands of mothering, you push your dreams to the wayside.
Instead, be an example of how to accomplish your goals. Because as the saying goes, things are caught, not taught.
Your dreams, aspirations, and goals matter
This shouldn’t need further explanation, but let’s go there anyway.
Just because you’re a mom now doesn’t mean that your dreams and desires go away. Sure, priorities shift and your goals might look different, but they don’t go away.
It’s fun to dream and to accomplish things in life. If you’re trying to rediscover yourself after motherhood, start dreaming again.
15 Ways to Start Rediscovering Yourself After Motherhood
Rediscovering yourself after motherhood is a process but here are some things you can start doing right now to start rediscovering yourself after motherhood
1. Unplug from Social Media
I get it. The scroll can feel like a nice break after (or during) a long day. But we end up spending way too much time there. Studies say we are spending 2 hours and 31 minutes daily on social media.
Point blank, that’s too much. And, while we’re here, let’s ask the tough question:
When was the last time you felt good after spending a bunch of time on Insta or TikTok? I know I never feel better about myself after a social media binge.
It’s impossible to find who you are through other people’s profiles. The fastest way to start rediscovering yourself after becoming a mom is unplugging from social media.
2. Reframe Your Thoughts
Feel lost isn’t fun for anyone, it’s true. But we can start shifting our thoughts from negative and glum to positive and anticipatory.
Stop thinking: “I don’t know who I am.” Start thinking: “I don’t know who I am, yet.” That three letter word is small, but mighty.
It starts telling your brain an entirely different story. You’ve realized you’ve changed after becoming a mom. And now, you get to rediscover yourself.
3. Take Time to Reflect
It’s hard to move forward without understanding where you’ve been. Take time to reflect on who you’ve been in the past.
In turn, it’ll help you decide who you want to be going forward. Here are some prompts to help you rediscover yourself after motherhood:
- What are your 2 biggest strengths? How have they helped you?
- When did you feel truly beautiful? Write about it.
- When asked, “What’s your happiest memory?” what immediately comes to mind?
4. Ask the Miracle Question
In solution-focused therapy, we often use a technique called the miracle question. It goes like this:
“Imagine tonight, while you sleep, a miracle happens. When you wake up tomorrow, what would have changed for the better?
Asking yourself the miracle question is a great way to decipher what you’d like to change about your circumstances.
When you’re rediscovering yourself after motherhood, the miracle question is a good place to visualize how you’d like your life to be different.
5. Make Goals
We talked a little bit about the importance of having goals in the above section, but now, let’s chat about the how.
As you’re rediscovering yourself after motherhood, start thinking about what things you want to accomplish.
What do you want your life to look like? And even better, what do you want your life to feel like?
You can make goals around your lifestyle, profession, finances, spirituality, fitness and health, or anything else that lights you up.
Write you goals down – like get a pen and paper and write them down. Then, make actionable steps towards accomplishing your goals.
Doing both of these things will enhance the chances of you actually reaching your goals and help you rediscover who you are in motherhood.
6. Prioritize Yourself
You are important, too. Say it again. You are important.
Of course your kids, your marriage, and your friends are all priorities, but your wants and needs matter, too. Start making room for yourself at the table. Here are some things you can do:
- Wake up a half hour before the other members of the house
- Practice self-care
- Eat when everyone else is eating
- Stay hydrated throughout the day
7. Get Back to Hobbies
This may sound trite, but it bears repeating: Hobbies are good for the soul. They fill you up.
Story time: I loved taking pictures. Especially landscape photography. So I thought I’d start a photography business.
As it turns out, running a photography biz is harder than it seems. And it took the joy out of the simple act of taking photos for fun.
The moral of the story: Not all hobbies need to be monetized. You should do things that you enjoy just because you enjoy them.
You might also like: Tired of Being a Mom? 12 Ways to Fight Burnout
8. Take a Walk Outside
This should say take a solo-uninterrupted-unplugged walk outside because that’s really the goal here.
Let the sunshine and fresh air reenergize you.
While the kids are with your partner, neighbor, or friend, go for a 20-minute walk. During this time, be completely present with yourself. And contemplate who you want to be.
9. Get Ready
Let down your greasy mom-bun, wash your hair, and make it cute.
Take off your stained nursing tank top, and put on a real bra.
Get out of your husbands baggy t-shirt and put on your favorite outfit (one from your own closet).
It’s so much easier to look like a disheveled mom. But a simple way to start rediscovering yourself after motherhood is to look (and feel) like the best version of yourself.
You might feel most beautiful in a flowy dress or choose a hot pink pantsuit. You might love a smoky eye or prefer a natural aesthetic. You might rock a ballerina bun or want beachy waves.
Whatever makes you feel like you, do that.
10. Make a “Badass” List
This is one of my favorite ways to rediscover yourself after motherhood. It’s so easy and so powerful.
Motherhood can leave you feelings a bit like a shell of who you used to be. If that’s the case, it’s time to remind yourself how much of a badass you really are.
Open the Notes App (or similar) in your phone and type out “Reasons I’m a Badass” and start adding to the list.
Anytime you’re feeling a little down and lost, look at that list and remember you are a total badass.
11. Do Something (Out of the House) for You
For the first time in 5 months, I had 4 hours to do anything I wanted. I was determined to use that time for me. That meant, no grocery shopping, no picking up my husband’s dry cleaning, and no doing any other chore or errand.
This was ‘Me Time.’ And, honestly, it took me awhile to figure out what I wanted to do just for me.
That’s part of the problem with losing ourselves in motherhood. Even when we get free-time to rejuvenate us, we don’t know what to do with it.
I cozied up at a coffee shop and read a book. Then, I went to the nail salon for a mani-pedi.
It was glorious. I listened to the music I wanted to hear. I could read what I wanted to read. I did what I wanted to do.
Here are some things you might consider on your day out:
- Go shopping
- Rent a paddleboard
- Go to your favorite lunch spot
- Take a class
- Go for a hike
- Get a massage
- Walk around a cute downtown area in a local town
- Go to a bookstore
- Get an ice cream cone
12. Show Your Body Some Love
One of the reasons we start losing ourselves in motherhood is because of body changes.
To rediscover yourself after motherhood, you gotta start loving your body again. Think of all the things your body can do for you.
Your powerful legs allow you to buzz around the house as lightening fast speed. Your strong arms allow you to hold your baby for hours.
To rediscover yourself after motherhood, recognize and accept your new, beautiful body.
13. Connect with Your Friends
Friendship and connection are two very undervalued things. Chat with your girlfriends about how motherhood has impacted you.
Ask them if they have noticed the change. The best part about true girlfriends is they’ll support you through all the ebbs and flows of life.
14. Don’t Compare Your New Self to a Prior Version
Here’s the thing: You aren’t who you used to be. You’re probably a softer, more gentle version of your past self.
But ultimately we can’t compare our new self to a prior version of who we were. Priorities have shifted. Energy levels have changed. We don’t the the same amount of flexibility we once had.
Make sure you are recognizing that you are in a different stage and phase of life. And that’s okay.
15. Meet with a Therapist or Coach
When you are in the trenches of a motherhood identity crisis, therapy or coaching can absolutely help.
Talking about your transition into motherhood is healthy (and necessary). Having a trained professional actively listen and guide you can make all the difference in the world. Your mental health matters.
Rediscovering Yourself After Motherhood: Q&A
These are many commonly asked questions about rediscovering yourself after motherhood. Here are the answers to all your questions:
Is it normal to miss my old life after having a baby?
Yes, it is entirely normal to miss your old like after having a baby. I mean, c’mon, the freedom, the lack of responsibility, the spontaneity – it was all so carefree.
And that’s not to say you don’t love being a mom or that you’re a bad mom. You are still a very good mom AND you miss aspects of your old life. Those things are not mutually exclusive.
Do I have postpartum depression?
Just because you feel like you’ve lost your identity after having a baby or your in the midst of a motherhood identity crisis, does not mean you have postpartum depression.
However, if you’re experiencing other symptoms like:
- Difficulty bonding with your baby
- Overwhelming tiredness and loss of energy
- Extreme anger, irritability, or rage
- Unable to care for yourself or baby
- Feeling worthless or hopeless
- Thoughts of harming yourself or baby
Then it’s time to seek further help from a professional.
If you’re having thoughts of hurting yourself, get help immediately by seeking professional therapy or call the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline by dialing 9-8-8.
Will I ever feel like myself again?
It may take awhile, but if you do the work, you will feel like yourself again.
The journey to rediscovering yourself after motherhood is just that, a journey. It takes time, patience, and self-compassion.
And when you rediscover yourself, you might find that you’re a softer, more gentle and loving version of your old self. You might be more emotional or fragile. And that’s okay, too.
The Wrap Up: Rediscovering Yourself After Motherhood
The transition into motherhood is colossal, so much so it’s hard to even put the amount of change into words. And because of that, it’s very common to go through a massive identity shift.
But that doesn’t mean you can’t rediscover yourself after motherhood. In fact, you can look at this reclaim as an exciting, restorative time in your life!
Good luck, Mama. You’re doin’ great!
Read next: Feeling Unattractive After Having a Baby + What to Do About It