Unhappy Marriage After Baby? 10 Ways to Improve Your Marriage (2024)
As a therapist, I’ve counseled people on how to improve their marriage. And as a mom of two, I have also had to navigate an unhappy marriage after kids.
Fortunately, both experiences (being a mental health professional and being a wife and mom) has given me a unique perspective on the best ways to improve an unhappy marriage.
Here, we’ll discuss why you feel unhappy in your marriage and 10 ways to improve your marriage after having a baby. Plus, I give you further resources and answer the most commonly asked questions about your unhappy marriage after baby.
Let’s get to it 👇🏼
Is it Normal to Have an Unhappy Marriage After Baby?
This is a tricky one because there’s a big difference between “normal” and “common.”
Unfortunately, it is common to feel unhappy in your marriage after having a baby. But it shouldn’t be normal.
We can normalize other things like letting conflicting emotions coexist after having a baby. For example, you feel pure bliss when you look at your sleeping baby. And you feel extraordinary overwhelm at the same time.
While we’re here, let’s also normalize asking for help because raising kids is effing hard.
On the other hand, we shouldn’t normalize an unhappy marriage after baby. Instead, let’s do something to change your unhappiness.
Why You Feel Unhappy in Your Marriage After Baby
Before we can change your circumstance, we need to unpack why you feel unhappy in your marriage after baby.
There are many reasons why it’s common to have an unhappy marriage after the baby arrives. Here are the five most common reasons:
Increased Stress
With having a baby comes great responsibility. And with great responsibility comes great stress. You now have this tiny, amazing, everything-you-ever-dreamed-of, little bundle of joy who isn’t able to effectively communicate their needs.
*Cue the crying for “I’m hungry.” “I’m tired.” “I’m hot.” “I’m cold.” “I want to be held.” “I just feel like crying?”*
For awhile, it’s one big guessing game and that takes a serious toll on your mental state and your marriage.
Lack of Sex and Physical Intimacy
Before having a baby, you could have sex whenever you wanted. It was fun, carefree, and even liberating, Now, the mere idea of having sex feels like a chore, much less actually doing it.
And it’s not just sex. After having a baby, you feel completely touched out. Having any physical intimacy is just one more thing someone needs from you.
Lack of Sleep
There is no exhaustion on the planet that is equivalent to having a newborn. Not only are you up throughout the night, but you’re waking hours also consist of a demanding infant in constant need of you.
Sleep deprivation does some crazy stuff. And that includes slowed thinking, memory impairment, poor decision skills, lack of energy, mood swings, and more. When you’re this tired, it’s no wonder you have an unhappy marriage after baby.
You’re Resentful
Resentment starts building surprisingly quickly after the baby arrives. These are the three most common reasons why you feel resentful towards your husband.
- You feel like you’re the only one that attunes to the baby’s needs, and therefore, you’re the only one who can take care of the baby the “right” way.
- His life has changed in a relatively mild way compared to the complete 180 your life has taken. After all, his body didn’t push a bowling ball out of a pea-sized hole.
- The division of household labor isn’t equitable, and you’re taking on more of the responsibility and burden.
- You miss working, or rather, you miss stimulating adult conversation and intellectual problem-solving. Meanwhile, he continues going back to a job he knows well with co-workers he can shoot the sh*t with.
No matter the reason for feeling resentful, the result is all the same – disconnection, burnout, and even depression. All things that are not conducive for a healthy, happy marriage.
10 Ways to Improve Your Unhappy Marriage After Baby
I hope you’re feeling a little validated in why you’re feeling unhappy in your marriage after having a baby. Now, for the good news. There are many ways to improve your marriage. Here are 10 new ideas:
1. Prioritize Your Marriage
When baby comes, your whole world changes. And that includes your list of priorities. It’s time to move your marriage to the top of that list.
Many mamas (myself included) worry so much about being a good mom and we forget to be a good wife, too. You and your partner should work together. After all, you’re on the same team.
2. Talk About It
Communication is everything in a marriage. Without it, you’re doomed. You need to talk about how you’re feeling. He can’t read your mind.
The best way to have a heavy conversation is to go for a drive or a walk. Sitting side-by-side is a much less confrontational way of being and give you a chance to communicate effectively.
Here are a couple more tips on how to talk about the unhappiness you’ve been feeling:
- Use the HALT Method (Don’t try to have a serious conversation if you’re Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired)
- Use “I” Statements
- Listen more than you speak
3. Compliment Your Partner
When was the last time you gave your partner positive feedback? The truth is, he might be feeling insecure in his role as a dad.
Give your partner a nice, unabridged compliment. Giving compliments does two things:
- Makes him feel loved and appreciated
- Reminds you why you love and appreciate him
Related Reading: How Much Should Your Husband Help with Baby?
4. Dream Together
Before getting married and having children, you talked about a life you dreamed of. You dreamed of the house you’d one day move in to. And you dreamed about the kids you’d one day have.
And now, you’re living out that dream, in real time. So, it’s time to start dreaming again.
What do you both picture your life looking like in the next year? Five years? Ten? Then, talk about how you can make that happen.
When you have mutually dreamed upon goals, you start moving the needle forward in your marriage. It’s a good way to remember that you’re choosing to walk through all the ups and downs together.
5. Be Playful & Flirt
Think about when you and your partner first started dating. Everything you did back then was flirty and fun.
After this much time together, there are less butterflies in your day-to-day interactions. And after having a baby, there’s probably less left up to the imagination. But there is still room for flirtatious fun in your relationship.
Flirting is going to be a little bumpy. Especially since you haven’t done it for awhile. But here are some things you can do to get the flirty vibes flowing:
- Text him about a memory that both gets you thinking about a happy (even sexual) time together
- Wear his favorite outfit
- Ask him on a date
- Write him a love note
- Give his butt a squeeze
- Put on a suggestive song
- Cozy up together, watch a movie and don’t sit on your phones
6. Spend Quality Time Together
This doesn’t mean sitting on the couch scrolling your phones as you unwind for the night.
And, believe me, I get it. You’ve been pulled in 12 different directions all day. You just don’t want to be needed anymore.
But spending quality time together is one of the best ways to revitalize your marriage. Have a game night, read conversation cards, or make dinner together after the baby goes to bed.
When you spend quality time together, it connects you and strengthens your marriage. And that’s exactly what you need right now.
7. Learn Love Languages
If you’re unfamiliar with Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages, this is a good place to start. The love languages are quality time, physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, and receiving gifts.
Before guessing which love language best describes you, read (or listen to) the book and take the quiz. This is a good activity to do together, too.
If you are familiar with the 5 love languages, know that your love language might change after you’ve had a baby. If it has, that needs to be communicated to your partner.
Before having our kids, my love language was receiving gifts. Now, acts of service take precedence. There are few things I appreciate more than when my husband does extra household tasks. (Ever heard of chore-play 😉)
8. Have a ‘Marriage Meeting’
When you’re feeling unhappy in your marriage after having a baby, you should have a weekly marriage meeting. In a marriage meeting you discuss things that are working and things that aren’t.
Start with positive compliments. Each of you say something that the other is doing well and why you appreciate them.
Next, discuss the three biggies: household chores and projects, upcoming events, and financial goals and updates.
After that, it’s open forum. If you have other tabs open in your mind, this is the time to start closing them down.
Finish with one goal you each have for the week, and state another compliment about the other person.
Having regular marriage meetings will help evaluate your relationship. They will help move through some of those resentments you’ve been feeling. And marriage meetings get you both in the same book, on the same page, and hopefully, even reading the same sentence.
9. Turn Inward
It’s so much easier to point fingers and blame your partner for your decline in happiness. “I wish he would ___.” “If he would just (fill in the blank), then we’d be happy.”
But, as the saying goes, it takes two to tango. Yes, your partner might be infuriating. But the hard truth is, you’re responsible for feeling happy in your own marriage.
This is my truth:
There is a part of me that feels accomplished, even self-righteous or sanctimonious, when I take on more than my fair share of household and parental duties.
And even when my husband is inclined to step up, I’ve sabotaged his willingness by micromanaging and belittling.
This helps no one.
Take some time to turn inward and see how you have changed after having a baby. What are some things you could be doing differently to improve your marriage?
10. Seek Professional Help
For a long time seeking therapy was equated with failure. Luckily, we’re moving past that. Because therapy can be an absolute godsend in saving your unhappy marriage after baby.
Having an unbiased, third-party help you navigate the transition into parenthood can be so helpful for not only you as an individual, but as a couple.
If you’re in an unhappy marriage after baby and willing to put in the effort to make your marriage a happy one, go see a mental health professional together.
Unhappy Marriage After Baby: Q&A
There are a million questions about being in an unhappy marriage after baby. These are the most commonly asked questions and answers:
Why do I feel disconnected from my husband after having a baby?
Feeling disconnected from your husband after having a baby is common and can happen for many reasons.
Transitioning into parenthood is indescribable. It’s cause for more beauty and more hardships than you could ever have imagined.
As you enter motherhood and he enters fatherhood, you realize that you do things entirely different from one another. And because of that, you both feel isolated in your experience.
Start talking about the differences you have been experiencing. It all comes down to effective communication. And you’ll soon feel more connected.
How do I help my sexless marriage after baby?
If you’re in a sexless marriage after baby, the first thing to do is start talking about it. There is a beautiful book titled: Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life.
Written by a sex therapist and her husband, Sex Talks gives amazing insight on how to start talking about sex so you can have more of it.
I highly recommend this book to anyone that is in a sexless marriage after having a baby.
My personality changed after having a baby. Now what?
Having a baby is a massive life change. In some ways, your personality will change, and you’ll transform into a different person.
At first, you might be unrecognizable. You’ll feel more anxious than ever before. Or be shockingly short-tempered, even though you’ve prided yourself on being laidback throughout your life.
But you will start rediscovering yourself again. And when you do, it’s like a butterfly emerging from her chrysalis. Beautiful, strong, new, and transformative.
My husband changed after the baby came. Now what?
We’ve talked about the massive transition that is having a baby. And it can be hard to remember that your husband is going through a transition, too.
If you’ve seen significant changes in your husband after the baby, ask him about it. In a gentle, calm, and supportive way, make sure that he knows you still see him.
Unhappy Marriage After Baby: Resources
If you’re feeling unhappy in your marriage, there are plenty of resources available to help navigate these troubled times. Here are some tried and true recommendations for you:
To Have and to Hold: Motherhood, Marriage, and the Modern Dilemma by Molly Millwood
I can honestly say, this book saved my marriage. Written by a clinical psychologist, Molly Millwood, To Have and to Hold validates moms everywhere.
The author points out that maternal mental health is undeniably impacted by the well-being of her relationship. Then offers guidance through personal stories, scientific research, and clinical practice experience.
She does an excellent job of discussing motherhood in it’s purest, most raw form. And I truly can’t say enough good things about it.
How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids by Jancee Dunn
How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids is a charming yet informative journey through the author’s own experience of being in an unhappy marriage after kids.
While reading this book, I found myself laughing out loud at the ridiculous parallels between Dunn’s husband and my own. And I appreciated her wit and candidness throughout.
Though not quite as serious in tone as the first recommendation, How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids still gives great advice while getting a chuckle, too.
Fair Play by Eve Rodsky
Recommended to me by my midwife, Fair Play is a solution-focused, action-oriented game for adults to better understand how to divide household tasks, parenting responsibilities, and the invisible load more equitably.
You can read the book, watch the documentary, and play the game of Fair Play. And I advise you do so with your partner.
The Wrap Up: Unhappy Marriage After Baby
You don’t have to stay unhappy in your marriage after having a baby. In fact, you shouldn’t.
Whether you’re unhappy because of increased stress, unequal division of labor, sleep deprivation, or all of the above, your unhappiness is valid AND changeable.
Turn inward, prioritize your marriage, seek outside help, keep learning about how to improve your marriage. You can do this, mama!
Read next: How to Be a Happy Mom: 7 New Ideas